I miss you.

IMG_5402I miss you now.
I missed you, then.
I’ll miss you until I see you again.

It’s weird, life. It comes and goes so quickly. It seems strange that after all this time my heart still hurts. We weren’t close anymore. It’s been years, really. I’m married. I have two babies. I shouldn’t miss you, like I do. Life had moved on, before you were gone. And yet I think about you every single day. I have since the day I met you.

You had that kind of effect on people. You made everyone you met feel important. You were quick to make sacrifices, crack a joke and offer help. You were thoughtful and intentional. You loved harder and deeper than anyone I’ve ever met. You showed me what it looked like to really love someone, like really love them. The way you loved your parents, your sister, your best friends, me. It wasn’t fair, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. It was a selfless, pure, genuine kind of love.

I wish we could watch bad tv and eat greasy food. I wish we could drive with the windows down in your truck and scream awful songs. I wish you could know my babies and my husband. I wish I could have watched you fall in love with the right person, the one who got to steal your last name. I wish I could have seen you become a dad, because you would have been a really, really good dad. I wish I would have told you what a lasting effect you had on my life. I wish I could tell you that you inspire me. But I didn’t and I can’t and life isn’t fair.

So I’m writing this out now. I’m proud of you. I’m so very grateful for you and all that you did time and time again for me. You helped pick up all my broken pieces too many times to count. I hope to raise my kids with the real, deep kind of love you showed me. I hope to be the kind of light and easy inclusive that made everyone feel so comfortable and confident and valued. I hope to be the person you were, even when no one was looking. I am so thankful that I got to know you. You were one of my dearest friends. I am a better person because of you.

It’s not fair that you’re gone.
I can not wait to see you again.

We grew apart. And I missed you. And now you’re gone. And I’ll miss you forever.

xo,
e

 

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