So i feel as though I’ve been quiet lately. And not that anyone is looking for an explanation, but if I’m going to start writing again, I thought I’d bookmark this time for myself and my babies and my great aunt Julie who I assume will be the only people to read this.
The world is so heavy. Like really, really heavy. There are babies with cancer and dads who die out of nowhere and moms in comas and terrorist attacks and wars being fought and morals being lost and shootings in everyday places and sexual slavery stealing children. It all happens everyday. Every. Single. Day. And my heart just breaks. I feel weak and broken. I look at the world that I’m in, and I worry about what kind of place are we creating for our babies? I get sick to my stomach when I think of every second I’ve taken for granted with them, every time I’ve raised my voice unnecessarily, every time I’ve distracted instead of focused.
It’s not right. It’s not fair. I have the most incredible family around me. We live 15 minutes away from just about everyone we love. My husband works day in and day out to provide for our little family in every way we need. I stay home with my two healthy babies whom I adore. I’m literally living my dream come true.
And honestly? I feel guilty. I feel guilty that girls I was pregnant with, don’t get to hold their babies. Ladies in the same stage of life, trapped in a hospital bed. Girls I grew up with who have lost a father or a mother. Guilty that while we can get pregnant and carry our baby’s full term, I have dear dear friends who can’t conceive, or who will have to wait to meet their children. I feel guilty that I have a partner, who I am confident in, to walk through life with me, when most people walk alone. My heart breaks for these awful situations, sometimes so much so that I feel the need to quiet my joy as to not boast in my gifts.
I am spoiled rotten. And I really don’t know why. I am truly truly so unworthy of the gifts I have. For reasons that will never be clear to me, my God has shown mercy and kindness upon my life. And so today I’m deciding to be grateful instead of guilty.
I can rejoice in my blessings, in my husband, in my children, in my family, in living my dream come true (minus the mini van ;)). It’s okay to be joyful in these times, and that doesn’t take away from someone else’s hurt. Being joyful doesn’t have to be boastful.
It’s not that I haven’t been joyful, that I haven’t been grateful. It’s just that I am so grateful, that I am so joyful, that I feel like it is rude to put that on display when people around me are hurting so bad. But I’m realizing that’s part of the problem. That’s part of why the world feels so heavy, because there is only heaviness on display. So I am going to share a lot. Share my God. My babies. My life. My husband. My parties. My thoughts. My joy. Old and new. If that is something that is unappealing to you, that’s okay. But I am living my dream and I am stinking grateful for every single moment of it.